


Daydreaming

by JanewaysCoffeeMug



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Daydreaming, F/M, Fantasy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:28:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23480968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JanewaysCoffeeMug/pseuds/JanewaysCoffeeMug
Summary: "I've been exposed, humiliated. Turned inside out for all the world to see. If I've lost your respect-""That will never happen. Certainly not because we've seen a few random fantasies. We all daydream, Doctor. It helps us imagine other possibilities in life."So what exactly does Janeway fantasize about, and why does she scold herself for it?
Relationships: Chakotay & Kathryn Janeway, Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 10
Kudos: 72





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own any of the series, characters or script.
> 
> Transcripts were taken from chakoteya.net 
> 
> I felt inspired by a conversation between the Doctor and the Captain in Tinker, Tailor, Doctor, Spy.  
> This is my first story, so feedback is welcome!

It was a slow day on the bridge, and thus Janeway had condemned herself to her ready room after handing the bridge over to Chakotay, to pour over some reports that had come in over the last few days. She'd gotten herself a steaming cup of coffee from the replicator before settling herself on the couch, wishing all the while an alien ship would attack them and call her to the bridge.

After about half an hour, she was properly bored. And boredom was very dangerous. It had become very dangerous after...

_"When I was young, my parents took us on backpacking trips. They thought we should all keep a connection to our pioneer roots. I hated it. No bed, no replicator..."  
"No bathtub."  
"...No bathtub. I guess I was always a child of the twenty fourth century."  
"Well, maybe those camping trips helped prepare you for life here."  
"Oh, no. Life here is much better than that."  
"I think that's the first time I've heard you say anything positive about being here."_

Then her mind wandered to when Chakotay had first touched her, massaging her shoulders, and her runaway response to it. Even now, just thinking back to it, she felt her cheeks get warm and the electricity running right to her center.

Oh, there they were again. The thoughts. New Earth. Their connection, even back then, had been so strong, both in mind and in body. How badly she had wanted to turn around while walking away. How badly she'd wanted to kiss him. How badly she still did. She could only imagine what it would be like. Images of being in his arms flooded her mind: her pressed closely against him, his left hand in her hair and his right on her behind, pulling her as close as physically possible, pressing into her...

The chime of her ready room doors were like a bucket of ice water. She scolded herself mentally, and she reminded herself of the reason she'd fled as if he'd stabbed her. The reason she still couldn't allow herself to feel this way. She was still engaged to Mark, for god's sake! She had no right to think of anybody else.

The chime rang again. She tried to gather herself before yelling "Come in!". Her first officer walked into the ready room. "I thought you might like some lunch. I know you forget to eat when you're busy." He knew her so well. She looked at him, and he was smiling at her. She felt herself compelled to smile back. She felt herself starting to blush, thinking back to the thoughts she'd just had about him before slapping herself mentally. They couldn't be alone together while she was still having these thoughts about him, because she didn't know if she could trust herself around him. "Thanks, Commander, but I'll have to take a rain check. I've still got quite a hefty pile of reports to read. I promise I'll eat something while I'm reading." He was still smiling at her, his dimples at full show now. "No worries, another time, perhaps." He turned around and left.

When the doors closed, the let out a breath she didn't know she was holding. She fell back on the couch. What was she going to do with herself?


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Thanks for all the positive feedback on the first chapter! You're all very sweet!
> 
> I wrote this today, and I was in some sort of flow, so I have no idea if it makes actual sense. 
> 
> I also wasn't sure whether to post this as a separate piece, seeing that the format is quite different from the previous chapter, but I decided to roll with it anyway, seeing as there is a daydreaming aspect to it.
> 
> Let me know what you think!

It was day five since they had entered the area the crew had quaintly but accurately dubbed _'The Void'._ There was nothing to see, and nothing to do, apart from keeping the ship up and running.The crew had, with the Captain’s permission, held many parties on the holodeck, mostly thanks to Tom Paris. She hadn’t gone before, but if her schedule or her mind permitted it, she would attend for half an hour and watch her crew enjoy themselves.

Today was one of those days. She had had to more or less drag herself out of her Ready Room after her shift ended, as she was exhausted of the long and boring days that were the status quo in the blackness that was the void. After she handed the Bridge over to the Beta shift, she walked into the turbolift and asked for the floor her quarters were on.

She was walking the hallway, absent-minded and zombie-like, when she walked straight into B’Elanna when she rounded the corner.

“Oh gosh, B’Elanna, I wasn’t paying attention, I’m so sorry! Are you ok?” she asked, wide-eyed, grabbing B’Elanna’s shoulders.

“I’m ok, Captain, and don’t worry about it.”

Janeway smiled and nodded at her, and was about to continue walking to her quarters when B’Elanna inquired “Captain, are you coming to the party tonight? You look like you could let your hair down a bit, have a little fun?”

Janeway looked at her face and saw only genuine concern. She nodded once, deciding to share her feelings for once.

“Perhaps you’re right. This area of space is weighing on me more than I thought it would. There is nothing to distract me from my own thoughts, and they’re not pretty.”

“I understand all too well, Captain. This will do you good, I promise.” she replied, smiling at Janeway.

The Captain smiled in return. “I promise I’ll join the party later on. I just need to eat first, and freshen up a bit.”

“Well then, while you’re at it, change into something casual. No uniforms at tonight’s party.” And before Janeway could raise any concerns about this rule, B’Elanna had rounded the corner.

“Oh well,” she thought, “Might as well let my hair down all the way.”

After arriving at her quarters, she pulled off her uniform and walked to the shower, hoping the beams might relieve some of the soreness of her back. Her body wasn’t used to sitting in one position all day anymore, but as there was so little to do on days like these but catching up on reports, she sat at her desk all day and usually forgot to stretch every once in a while. After getting out of the shower, she put on her bathrobe and then walked to the replicator for her dinner. She ate her dinner fighting her own thoughts about going to the party in civilian clothes. On one side, she really wanted to be more approachable to the crew. She was concerned about them, and she wondered if this Void had the same effect on them as it had on her. She was quite lonely and desperately needed social contact. On the other side, she knew that this type of interaction between herself and the crew was frowned upon by Starfleet, as it might work against her being taken seriously as a captain. She needed to maintain a respectable command distance. If there were any issues, Chakotay was the one they would go to.

But after seven years in the Delta quadrant, the command distance was broken so often she couldn’t possibly point at that as the reason why she didn’t want to go to the party in civilian clothing. It was Chakotay. He most likely would be there too, also dressed like a civilian. Like he did on New Earth. She didn’t know if she could trust herself around him. She didn’t know if she trusted herself around him anyway, but it would be harder without their uniforms as a barrier. She was afraid she would forget where she was, and that she would throw protocol out the window, like she’d done with the command distance.

In the end, after almost an hour of fighting with herself, she decided to throw caution to the wind and go to the party anyway. This was exactly why she needed this distraction. To get out of her own head, and to talk to other people instead of to herself. She got up, put on some makeup and walked to her closet. There wasn’t much in it, as there was never really an opportunity to wear anything that wasn’t Starfleet-issue. She found the blue dress she had worn on New Earth, but decided against it. She didn’t want to go down that rabbit hole again, and she didn’t want to give Chakotay any wrong signals. Then she remembered she had a long, black, sleeveless dress that she’d worn during shore leave one time. It was decent enough for a Starfleet Captain. She put it on and looked at herself in the mirror. _Not half bad for someone over forty._ She put back on her Starfleet boots, as a reminder to herself to stay grounded. Her dress covered them anyway. Lastly she put her hair up with some bobby pins. Jewelry was not something she had brought with her, as it was against regulations. She gave herself a one-over and nodded to herself before going out of her quarters, before she would decide against it and turn back around.

Once she entered the holodeck, she was anxious and didn’t dare to take a step forward, as she was scared she would get negative comments at her attendance to the party. But then she saw no-one cared as they continued drinking, talking and dancing, without batting as much as an eye at her. She smiled at them, seeing them all enjoying themselves like they were and allowing herself to feel happy for a second. Then she saw B’Elanna and Tom and walked over to them.

“Captain! Finally decided to let your hair down? Or rather, put it up?” said Tom, pointing at her hair. His jaunting words earned him a shove in his ribs from his wife and a glare from his Captain.

“Sorry, sorry. I’m going to get some drinks. Be right back.” he said, as he started towards the bar.

“Sorry about him, I’m still trying to puppy train him,” said B’Elanna, earning a chuckle from Janeway.

“Anyway, that dress is beautiful. It will definitely turn some heads.” B’Elanna saw the Captain blush and looking at the ground. She put her hand on her arm.

“Look, I know you don’t think you can allow yourself a night like this, but I know for a fact that the entire crew cares about your happiness as much as you care about theirs. They want you to relax every once in a while. The fact that none of them batted an eye when you walked in should tell you enough. They don’t mind having you here. Hell, I bet they would even let you join them. The boys might even want to ask you to dance now that you look like this,” B’Elanna winked at her.

“At least sit down in somewhere and enjoy the fact that they’re all having fun. Oh here come the drinks!”

After a while B’Elanna and Tom wanted to dance, so after assuring leaving her alone was fine she went to a booth in the corner of the room. She wanted to be able to look at her crew without having to apologize for it, so she sat as far away from them as she could. She looked at the couples dancing closely together, smiling at the image. After about fifteen minutes she was unaware of anything but her own thoughts.

Her mind was filled with visions of herself and Chakotay in the living room of her house. The fire was burning and there were wine glasses on the table. They were dancing cheek to cheek, holding each other without holding back, completely relaxed. What she wouldn’t give to feel like that, and for that to be reality. To be home. To hold each other without having that voice nagging in the back of her mind, telling her not to be so close to him. To be home and to finally give into her thoughts and feelings and fantasies, to love him like he deserved to be loved. Her mind went back to the picture of her and Chakotay, dancing closely.

She was shaken from her daydream by a drink that slid in front of her hands.

“What are you smiling about?” It was Chakotay. Of course it had to be him.

She replied quickly, “I’m just happy they’re having so much fun, and that they have something to distract them from this _Void._ ”

He went to sit across from her in the booth, drink in his hand. “Yes, it’s good. They look happy. I’m glad you have decided to join in on the fun and relax a little, Kathryn. You deserve to relax every once in a while, you know. No one would hold it against you,” he said, “You look beautiful, by the way. No uniform today?” She looked up at him when he said her name, a look of concern shot across her features as he told her she looked beautiful. What was he doing?

“That’s exactly what B’Elanna told me. She basically gave me no choice but to ditch my uniform. To be honest, I almost didn’t come because of it. But then I felt like I needed to see them have fun, just to put my mind at ease.” she said, looking down at her drink.

“I get that. But I’m glad you did come. Some social interaction might give you some relief from all that darkness out there, and in here.” he said, pointing at the side of his head.

She looked up and smiled at him. He knew her too well.

“Thanks. I’m beginning to realize that.”

They continued to talk about the ship, the crew and other daily issues until they had both finished their drinks.

He suddenly got up, and held out his hand.

“Dance with me?” he asked.

She looked at his outstretched hand, and then at his face. She searched his face, wondering what his plan was. Her mind briefly went back to the picture of her earlier daydream.

He dropped his hand, “Look, it’s just a dance between friends. Nothing more. I didn’t forget about everything we discussed. And if you’re concerned about what the crew will think, we will dance out of sight,” he pleaded with her, and put his hand back out towards her.

“Come on. One dance won’t kill you.”

Against her better judgment, she decided to go with it. She took his hand, both feeling the spark their contact made. They walked towards a more hidden part of the room.

He spun her towards himself and put his hand on her waist. She puts his hand on his upper arm, lightly holding on to him. She feels a tremble running through her body. _No, no, no._ He manoeuvres them in this slow turn without trouble and without hesitation. She doesn’t dare to look him in the eye, so she just stares down towards their feet. His hand moved to the small of her back, and there was a sharp intake of breath from her side. She looked up at his face, but he seemed unaware of what he did or of how she responded. Her eyes drifted to his tattoo. How she longed to touch it without restraint. Then they drifted to his lips. _No, Kathryn, don’t go there. You’ll only make it harder for yourself._ But before she could move her gaze away from his face, she saw his eyes meet hers. She shook at the intensity of his gaze. She blushed and looked down again. They continued dancing like this for a little while, until she felt him staring at her. She looked up at him and saw the longing in his eyes. _Oh, how I wish things were different,_ she thought. But they couldn’t be. Not until they got home.

She didn’t know how much longer she could resist the pull of their connection, so she pulled away from his hold.

“Thank you for the lovely dance, Commander. I’m very tired, so I’m going to go to bed.” she said, looking at him apologetically.

“I’ll walk you back to your quarters.” he replied.

“No, please don’t. Stay. Have fun. Talk to the crew. You can tell me about it tomorrow.”

“As you wish.” he nodded at her. “I hope you relaxed a little tonight. Spirits know you needed it.” He smiled at her.

“I did. Thank you. And thank B’Elanna for me if you see her around.” She smiled at him, turned around, and exited the holodeck.

When she was lying in her bed, the picture of them dancing at home mingled with the sensation of their actual dance on the holodeck. Sleep didn’t come easy that night, as she was feeling even lonelier than before the party. But when sleep came, she dreamt the most pleasant dream. It was her and Chakotay, old and grey, dancing in their living room.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I hope you are all well. I'm currently also writing my thesis, so I won't be able to post updates as much as I'd like. However, here's a short one. Let me know what you think!

It had been a hell of a few years. Sometimes she felt like a million years had passed since they had left spacedock. That was how much they had been through in the five years that had passed since they had been pulled into the Delta quadrant. She could scarcely believe how many times they had managed to cheat death. She could not think about that fact without thinking about those of her crew who had not been able to cheat their way out of death, and without hating herself for having been unable to fulfil her duty in keeping them safe.

However, she was determined to get the rest of her crew home without having any more of them sacrificed. And there was no way she would be able to do that without having her First Officer by her side. However, to her regret, she and Chakotay had been at odds since their run-in with the Devore. She had not seen Chakotay alone since then, apart from when there was official ship business they had to discuss.

She could understand his anger. She had violated his trust. Again. She missed having him by her side. Not just as the First Officer who would stand by her side no matter what, but also as her friend who would tell her when she was in the wrong. She had to make things right, to get him to trust her again. She needed him in her life. She needed him to help get her though this dreadful journey towards the Alpha quadrant, which was, she was sure, going to take a really long time. She needed to be sure that the silent promise they had made to each other would be kept, and that they could make it all a reality when they finally did reach home.

* * *

_"We're on the outer rims of the Solar system, Captain. We did it! We're home!" said Harry Kim from his station ecstatically. A happy cheer of the crew on the Bridge was heard._

_Janeway felt all the weight of her command slide from her shoulders. Tears threatened to fall from her eyes. She was overwhelmed by emotion. She turned to look at her First Officer, who was looking at the view screen. She noticed he also had tears in his eyes. She took his hand in hers, grasping it firmly. He looked at their entwined hands before looking up at her face. He almost audibly gasped as he looked into her eyes. All her emotions were bared, all of her love and longing, right there for him to see._

_"Did we make it?" he asked softly, as if afraid it was all a dream. She knew what he meant when he asked the question. Their silent promise to each other, made many years ago. She squeezed his hand before answering, "I believe we did." They smiled at each other, tears falling from their eyes._

_He lifted her hand to his mouth and kissed it. He looked back up into her eyes with a renewed passion. "Marry me." She knew she should be taken aback by his sudden proposal, but it was something that had been a constant light at the end of the very long tunnel that had been their journey to the Alpha quadrant. There was no hesitation in her mind as to what to answer. She smiled at him before saying quietly "Hell yes, Chakotay, of course I'll marry you!"_

_At this point he could not contain his happiness. He put his hand to her cheek and pulled her face towards his. He had half expected her to pull back and remind him of the fact that they were still on duty, but as her eyes fluttered closed he knew she didn't care. He closed the distance and touched his lips to hers, completely oblivious to everyone and everything happening around them. It was only a gentle, light kiss, but it took their breath away._

_They were pulled back to reality when applause and cheers erupted around them. They looked around like deers caught in headlights, a blush rising from their necks to their cheeks. Her eyes landed on Tom Paris, who looked almost proud of them. "It's about time, Captain. Long overdue in fact." he said. Then he turned his head to Harry Kim. "Too bad Harry won't have any use for the replicator rations." he said cheekily._

_The command team turned their attention back to each other, smiling widely, no longer bothering to hide their happiness. "I love you, Chakotay. Thank you for waiting for me." she said, before returning her lips to his._

* * *

Yes, _this_ was the welcome home she dreamed of. _We have_ _to get things right again_ , she thought, before getting up and walking towards her door. She had someone to apologize to.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Janeway nods off while working through reports with Chakotay and dreams of a possible future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, it's been forever, but here's a new addition. I didn't review it, so sorry for any mistakes.  
> I also wasn't sure where or how to separate the sections, but I hope you can follow it.  
> I know this is technically not a daydream, but I consider it one anyway. I hope you'll like it, regardless. I'll try to write something spicier next time, if I can...  
> Let me know if there's anything I could improve! 
> 
> Who's also looking forward to Monday's podcast episode of The Delta Flyers? I sure am! :D

After she finished a long and turbulent shift on the bridge battling yet another xenophobic alien race, Kathryn had hoped to spend a quiet evening treating herself to a nice soak in her tub to wash all of the accumulated stress of the day away. Unfortunately, she knew this was not a day on which she would have the time for such a luxury.

After their long and taxing battle today, their ship and crew were in disarray, and, while she was thankful that she didn't have to spend any more time ruining her knees by doing any repairs, she was not happy about the endless stack of reports that needed to be read and reviewed as soon as possible. Every time she looked up after finishing a padd, another one had magically appeared.

At 2300 hours, Chakotay appeared in her ready room. Seeing the expression on her face and the never-ending stack of padds on the coffee table, he offered to help her out and to split the workload.

"It's alright, Chakotay," she sighed, "I can finish it. You should go to sleep. At least one of us should be conscious during our shift tomorrow."

She didn't even manage to look up from her report when she replied, afraid she wouldn't be able to focus again once she drifted off. He saw right through her, however.

"Kathryn, we're both exhausted, and we haven't had anything to eat since breakfast. Let's go to your quarters. I'll replicate us something to eat while you put up your feet and relax a bit. We'll finish this after dinner." he'd replied, holding out his hand to her.

Too tired to fight him on this, she put her hand in his and he pulled her up off the couch. After collecting the pads together, they made their way to her quarters.

* * *

Both of them too tired to care about the possibility of leaving stains, they ate on the couch in quiet companionship. He'd replicated the well-known vegetable briyani they both loved, and it wasn't until she'd had the first bite that she'd noticed how hungry she had been. She smiled to herself, as she was once again reminded of how well he knew her. In these moments she was really grateful for it, as she would probably be a walking dead if he didn't make sure she ate.

Now she was nursing a coffee while listening to Chakotay, who was reading a report to her. She'd caught herself nodding off multiple times, but had managed to catch herself before becoming completely unconscious.

The next time she looked up from her cup of coffee, however, things were slightly different. Chakotay's hair was almost completely white, the wrinkles on his forehead somewhat deeper, his posture slightly more slouched, but still as handsome as ever. What hadn't changed was the way he looked at her from time to time, intently and lovingly.

Not relenting his steady gaze, he smiled at her, dimples and all. She noticed he was holding her hand only when he squeezed it softly. "Sweetie, you fell asleep again," he said tenderly. "Maybe we should reconsider retiring soon, maybe hand over command to Harry. We're getting too old for this, and if we don't give him command soon he might be as well. The Spirits know he's earned it after 32 years." He chuckled softly at this fact. His gaze turned soft before he continued. "Maybe we could finally go on our honeymoon on the holodeck, I think we settled on Lake George? I'd love to pamper you like you deserve to be pampered." he said, smiling at her before slowly leaning forward and pressing a kiss to her forehead.

* * *

She jolted awake, spilling her coffee all over the front of her turtleneck and the padd that was in her lap.

"Crap!" she said, putting down her mug on the coffee table. She noticed Chakotay bolting off the couch and walking into her bathroom, returning with two towels. Handing one of them to her, he quickly dabbed the padd dry with the other. She was frantically trying to dry the turtleneck, which she knew was wasted effort. He looked at her annoyed expression and couldn't hold back a chuckle. She looked up at him askance.

"Kathryn, did you just fall asleep on me?" he asked, not even trying to hide his amusement. She could only glare at him in response, then quickly returned her attention to her ruined shirt.

"Don't worry, I won't tell anyone. We wouldn't want Tom to know just how old we are." At this her head snapped up, remembering what the Chakotay from her dream had said.

While he continued to read the report to her, her mind drifted off as she wondered how much she and Chakotay would be like their in-dream counterparts in 28 years.


End file.
